Eros-The Sex Ed You Never Got Overview

0:00All right, so we've made it to the homestretch and we are almost done with the review of

0:09the course content and the finale is the sexual education portion.

0:16What EROS is all about and how we can actually apply adult sexual education so that you actually

0:25get what you want out of this and your questions are answered hopefully and maybe you brought

0:30in your sexual menu or if nothing else you have some tools that you can apply outside

0:36of the bedroom but also maybe inside the bedroom.

0:41So the broad version of this is that we are going to do an exploration and this again

0:51this course or this content is geared more toward men or biological males but it's an

0:58exploration of sexuality and expanding the sexual menu or at least expanding knowledge

1:05of what the sexual menu could be or include and that's a way that we start to address

1:12some of the fantasy desire discrepancies within relationships.

1:19So the first thing is exploration.

1:22Within that we're also going to talk a little bit more about neurobiology.

1:26We're going to talk a little bit more about some of these desire discrepancies and how

1:35that happens, stop, start, breaks, accelerators, all of those things so that it can help us

1:43to understand essentially this concept of we're not always going to experience arousal

1:50the same way you do when you're a teenager or in your early 20s where we might think

1:55of that as more spontaneous.

1:57We're going to explore it from the reality which is sometimes desire is responsive and

2:04sometimes arousal is responsive and when we are in a relationship where initiation

2:11is consensual that might help us to explain some of these quote-unquote dry spells or

2:17other things that have happened where we just habitually are busy or we are exhausted and

2:24a little bit about how to get some of that back, how to create some spice again and part

2:34of that is also knowing what the sexual response cycle is, what it's like, what areas dysfunction

2:43could occur and what we can do about it, whether that's after the fact or in the moment in

2:49order to still have a satisfying experience hopefully for both partners but to not focus

2:55on a linear progression of sex.

2:58So what do I mean by that?

3:00A lot of what we're taught and a lot of what we know to be true about sexual education

3:08is it starts with some sort of very minimal foreplay, it progresses to some sort of penetrative

3:17sexual intercourse or activity, it concludes with male ejaculation and that's it and everybody

3:25sleeps or smokes a cigarette and it's this very linear and kind of narrow-minded view

3:31of what sex is and so part of this is also to explore that that's not the only way that

3:37it can happen and that is limiting, right?

3:41That can produce more anxiety around functioning if that's always the only intended goal.

3:48So we're going to talk about it a little bit more.

3:51We're also going to look at how to improve sexual functioning and sexual satisfaction

3:57without the addition of medication or additional providers or therapy, what are some techniques

4:03that you could broadly use, keeping in mind that this is not a therapy session, keeping

4:09in mind that this is not tailored necessarily to you as a specific human being, this is

4:16more a broad overview based on what literature is available, based on what research has been

4:22done in the field of sexology and sexual wellness that includes middle-aged men or that can

4:29be derived from what is out there and so we're going to do some general tips on tricks on

4:37how to improve sexual functioning, how to improve sexual satisfaction and remember again

4:43this is geared more towards men so if you have a male in your life then that might be

4:48a situation where you're still interested in that but we're going to talk more from

4:54that perspective because there are so many discussions I think about that in the realm

5:01of women and how women function in or out of the bedroom by nature and this is also

5:11statistically proven but by nature women are more help-seeking so if there is some sort

5:16of dysfunction, if there is some sort of issue going on, women are much more likely to seek

5:22assistance from therapists, from medical providers and so we want to tailor it toward the population

5:32that's less likely to get that help whether it's willingness or whether it's willfulness,

5:39we want to tailor it toward that so that you also have access to the same types of

5:44information but ones that apply to you. We're also going to have a little bit of a reintroduction

5:52to your sexuality, to sensuality. We're going to talk about some things that may make you

5:59uncomfortable whether that's your own personal bias or your own personal value systems or

6:06just things that you honestly or genuinely did not know happened or were out there or

6:13were interests and we're doing that to not just broaden the sexual menu but to introduce topics

6:19that are maybe challenging some of that socialization, challenging some of that stigma

6:24but also things that you may be interested in and genuinely want to know more about but don't

6:30have access necessarily to that type of information or maybe you're somebody who,

6:34you know, pornography or certain types of books or audio erotica is not something that's available

6:41to you and so if that's the case and you want to know more about kink or BDSM, it's probably hard

6:48to get that information if you don't know where to look. Now, there are lots of great beautiful

6:54resources out there so we'll also include some of those in handouts or in PowerPoints so that

6:59you have a good idea of where to find more effective education, information, or supplies

7:07maybe so that you can actually apply some of your desire, explore some of your desire if that's

7:15something that you're interested in. We'll also talk about realistic expectations of change over

7:23time. We have to be able to understand that functioning changes so the first thing that

7:33comes to mind is this idea that we have scientific evidence that shows that men as they age,

7:41beginning around typically 40 years old, lose about 1% of testosterone per year and that is

7:47a huge factor hormonally in our ability to have libido. How much or how little libido we have

7:58translates into how much or how little sexual intimacy we have. It translates into functioning.

8:05It translates into other things that could impact us health-wise so we're going to talk a little

8:10bit about changes over time and ways we can compensate for that because sex in your 50s

8:18may not mean the exact same thing that it meant in your early in your late teens or early 20s

8:24and you have to expect different things in your body throughout the course of middle age. That's

8:29where we're experiencing most of those changes. We're also going to talk a little bit about some

8:35of the broader concepts in sex and sexuality things like the plicit model and really giving

8:42yourself permission to explore but we're also going to talk about when is it that you need

8:50either intensive therapy or to seek medical care. Keep in mind this is not tailored to you

8:56specifically as an individual but men middle-aged men at large so you have to take it with what

9:04applies to you broadly. This is not medical advice but it'll give you an idea if you try some of

9:10these techniques and things to spice up your intimacy and things are still not working or

9:16functioning in the way that you want it kind of gives you a roadmap of you know here's what you

9:21can take in and advocate for in the urologist office in the primary care office or here's what

9:27might be helpful in taking into an intro session with a therapist because then it

9:34helps them be able to understand you better and you've already done some of the background

9:39research. We're also going to talk a little bit about sex tech, ethical porn,

9:49expanding your sexual menu even further or maybe at least having conversations with partners or

9:57children around what you and your family deem as acceptable or unacceptable and having those

10:03overt agreements helps us to be able to navigate those kinds of concepts better.

10:10We're also going to talk all things eros so erotic rediscovery of self.

10:17We're going to answer maybe some questions that came up in the literature. We're going to talk

10:23about how to translate fantasy into desire, how to talk to your partner about desire, maybe some

10:29things that might apply to the bedroom and how we can introduce those in a healthy, effective,

10:36and consensual way that can spice up that area of our life. What we know with the interdependence

10:44of mental health, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction is that the more satisfied

10:49everybody is, the happier everybody tends to be, the better that the satisfaction becomes. So

10:56we're going to talk a little bit more about vocabulary because as what has been repeated

11:02over and over again, vocabulary is really important. It's important that we have a foundational

11:07understanding that we're all on the same page with what we mean, but also that you have the

11:11ability to ask for clarification when and where you need it. We're going to talk

11:20about things like dual control model. We're going to talk about pursuer distancer. We're going to

11:25talk about feedback loops. We're also going to talk about some of the big differences between

11:31men and women so that we can understand maybe where performance anxiety comes from, how that

11:37creates a lot of sexual strain and tension in the relationship, but also what is reinforcing of it,

11:43even when we don't have that intention. We're going to talk about performance improvement.

11:50So if something that you want to learn is how do I improve my performance over time as I age

11:58through this process after having kids, this part of the course is for you. So this is everything

12:06related to sexual education that you may have wanted to know, but didn't actually get in that

12:13adolescent stage in traditional sexual education programs. So stick around if those things sound

12:19interesting to you. And in the next class, we'll actually start anatomy and sexual physiology,

12:28and we'll talk, remember about it from a pleasure-based perspective so that we can

12:34really understand not only the male body, but the female body, and how we can interact with

12:41ourself or each other in a way that might actually help enhance sexual intimacy.

12:47And I hope you stick around.