Experience Bliss

0:00Let's talk about the acronyms so we can keep moving on to how to be a better lover, right?

0:09The acronym that we're going to talk about here is something called bliss.

0:14And I add this in because it is borrowing from what we know from other therapy modalities

0:21and just shortening it so that if you don't remember dear man, if you don't remember Imago,

0:29if you don't remember or you align with a specific therapy modality and this is not

0:36and you just mean like the bare bones, like you can communicate and you need an easier

0:41way to remember stuff.

0:43Bliss borrows from all of those things.

0:46It borrows from EFT, it borrows from DBT, it borrows from Imago and all of the things

0:52that really as a therapist over the past 10 years, I've seen work really well with trauma.

0:57I've seen work really well with improving sexual chemistry and intimacy and improving

1:04relationship satisfaction or just self-assuredness and confidence, which is never a bad thing.

1:10Bliss stands for first being blunt.

1:14Now a lot of the skill sets we've talked about up to this point have either been how to be

1:19the giver, how to be the receiver, how to, you know, this is all of it.

1:24So the thing to keep in mind as we're going through this is it's not just about evaluation

1:28for yourself, but for your partner and for the relationship that the nature of the relationship

1:34we're talking about.

1:36So the first one is to be blunt.

1:41Sometimes there is no pretty way to say something and even being skillful is going to hurt someone's

1:47feelings.

1:49The purpose is that of being blunt is not to be, it's not to be aggressive.

1:56It's to say what you mean and to mean what you say.

2:03And sometimes you just have to acknowledge it.

2:06You have to say the captain obvious thing out loud.

2:09I had a couple of ones who they were in a very big disagreement about a dog and having

2:15young children.

2:17And essentially the blunt version of this for them was one of the partners saying, you

2:22know what?

2:23I feel like we're damned if we do damned if we don't, I no longer want this dog around

2:27our new baby.

2:29You don't think that this dog is a danger.

2:32So if I get my way, you're going to be upset.

2:34If you get your way, I'm going to be upset.

2:36And I feel like this is a no win situation.

2:39I don't know what to do.

2:40And just in acknowledging that out loud, it allowed them to come up with a solution

2:46or some problem solving strategies, but also an end point of like, okay, this is what we're

2:51willing to do to align with your values, but this is what we're doing to align with mine.

2:56And like they came to an agreement and being blunt also helps us to learn how not to take

3:06things so personally.

3:10The biggest issue, and I may be saying that a lot, but one of the biggest issues that

3:15we talk about in couples and arguments is not just differing styles, but also of arguments

3:25or different expectations.

3:27It's also about the fact that people take stuff so personally all the time.

3:34And I can guarantee you if you are constantly having problems with friends, with coworkers,

3:43peers, family, in relationships, you're probably the problem and that's hard to hear.

3:52But if you have a problem wherever you go, there you are.

3:56You are the problem.

3:57Right?

3:58And a lot of that has to do with people taking things so personally.

4:01And it's interesting because a lot of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM really boils

4:08down for me to whether or not you take things personally.

4:12And that's a resilience trait.

4:13So if we can be blunt with our partners and they can be blunt with us, then we're going

4:20to learn to not take things so personally and we're going to be able to move on to the

4:25next thing, which is listen.

4:30When we talk about listening, one of the things that we acknowledge here is like the imago

4:36stuff.

4:37Right?

4:38It's a nod to imago.

4:39But actually listening.

4:43That's going to help us not to take things personally.

4:45It's also going to help us be able to do things like ask for clarification when we need it.

4:49Wait.

4:50Say it in a different way.

4:51Hold on.

4:52I didn't entirely understand.

4:53Or whatever variation of that makes sense to us.

4:57But we need to ask for clarification.

5:01Not everything is going to be straightforward all the time.

5:04And if we actually listen to our partner, what they're saying, then verbally we're going

5:11to be more attuned to them.

5:14But it's also listening to our partner's body.

5:20And if we're talking about wanting to increase sexual satisfaction or just in general, let's

5:25say be a better partner, be a better lover, then we have to be able to listen to somebody's

5:31body and what cues their body is giving us and be able to like connect the two together.

5:39And so listening is not just about verbal.

5:45It's also about listening to somebody's body and it's about attunement.

5:50So the more that you attune, the better lover you're going to be.

5:56The more that you learn to navigate your partner's body, the better lover you're going to be.

6:01And generally speaking, if you are a sexual pursuer, most sexual pursuers get pleasure

6:11from their partner experiencing pleasure.

6:15And so again, it creates this really delicious, yummy loop of pleasure and attunement and

6:21attachment that can really help us be able to listen to and show up for ourselves and

6:28our partners in a different way.

6:32The I stands for interested.

6:37Here's where things get a little tricky for some people.

6:41Being interesting is like a basic requirement for keeping people invested long term.

6:50A lot of folks with social anxiety have a really intense fear of not knowing what to

6:57say or that they're not going to be interesting or be able to contribute to the conversation.

7:02And if I am being blunt, I would say, yeah, there's a certain level of like we have to

7:07be interested or interesting in order for a conversation to continue.

7:16That's twofold, right?

7:17Being interesting is something that is more subjective.

7:22Being interested in what somebody else is doing is a process of curiosity or of engagement.

7:32And so when we're talking about being interested in other people or our partner, it's asking

7:38questions that we actually want to know.

7:41So the example that I will typically give people is my husband works in the realm of

7:45finance, accounting, risk management, all of that kind of stuff.

7:50I don't know anything about that, nor do I care to learn some of it, but I'm interested

7:58in our relationship.

8:00I'm interested and I'm invested in what he enjoys doing.

8:04And so instead of asking how a certain algorithm works, I might ask something that I'm genuinely

8:11interested in, like, you know, something related to risk management in terms of how he might

8:17handle something as opposed to as a therapist, how I look at something.

8:22That is something that is like genuine in terms of an interaction.

8:26He might ask something that is genuine and HIPAA compliant, obviously about what I am

8:32doing or what I am experiencing as a therapist.

8:36And so you have to actually be interested in something.

8:40Now with small talk, those are things that you can prepare for ahead of time or learn.

8:45But in terms of how this can be expanded outside the realm of intimacy is also with our children.

8:54I am not necessarily interested in whatever made up story my kids are experiencing that

9:01day, but I'm interested in them and their well-being, right?

9:03And so I might ask questions about, oh, man, you know, the little scratch you got, which

9:08I know is from falling down on the playground, you got it from a dinosaur, I wonder how that

9:12happened.

9:13So you have to be interested.

9:15Now, people kind of freak out when I say you have to be interesting, because they start

9:21wondering or they immediately feel the pressure of the socialization bubble or the stigma

9:27bubble of what makes people interesting or what would make other people think I'm interesting.

9:35That's not what I mean here.

9:37What I mean by being interesting is doing the things that you are interested in.

9:47And the more that you engage in the things you're interested in, the more that you're

9:52going to be interesting to other people.

9:55If you focus only on what you enjoy.

10:00Or if you focus on only what you think other people will perceive makes you interesting

10:05Then you're not actually going to do the things that you enjoy doing and so with that

10:10We need to come up with some sort of

10:15Agreement

10:16Individually where we say, you know what if you like to travel do that talk about that

10:22If you like to do something else do that talk about that right now. I'm doing this PhD project

10:28it's pretty much all I talk about because it's the only thing I spend my free time doing but I'm

10:33Interested in the content that I am producing and so that makes you interesting

10:38Right in DBT. We talk about accumulating positives doing things that are relaxing that are self-soothing that you enjoy

10:45maintaining your individuality

10:47In EMT you might talk about doing the things that you yearn for

10:51But in reality what we're talking about is how can you do things that you like?

10:57That you then can talk about

10:59Because doing seeing somebody be passionate about something is interesting inherently to other people

11:06Now with the S's we're talking safety stability and security

11:11safety is talking about

11:14free from harm hurt

11:17Injury and loss, right? These are Webster Miriam Webster. So like bear with me for a second

11:25Physical safety is what we're talking about here

11:27not just like in the domestic violence realm, but also free from hurt or some sort of moral injury, maybe or

11:35real or perceived loss

11:37so if we have safety in our relationship, which is usually the

11:42Benchmark, right like the bare minimum benchmark is that you're not going to take something that I am saying and turn around and use it

11:49Against me later. It's that you're not going to get physical with me

11:53It's that I am NOT going to I am NOT in fear that you're going to say something. That is

12:00Intentionally hurtful to me. So that's what we talk about with safety

12:06These are safety stability and security are the three S's. Those are the things that are felt

12:12sense not actually

12:15Necessarily something that we like overtly talk about all the time, but they are experienced so safety is one of them

12:24Stability and security are more enduring. So stability is

12:28Firm, it's enduring. It's that equilibrium over time and that resistance to change and external forces

12:36so stability in a relationship is that

12:40Something like between the two of us is not going to fracture or our

12:45connection is not going to change because of this thing that I'm talking to you about or because of

12:51This external force that might be in laws that might be job changes that might be

12:58Friends or you know other kinds of families stability is important long term

13:04Security might sound the same but we're gonna split hairs a little bit. So security is more

13:11Free from worry or doubt. So we're stability is like the nature of our relationship the foundation of the house

13:20Security are like the cameras, right? They sound the same, but they're not the same you need both to really feel good about things

13:28sometimes so

13:30It's immovable it is free from worry or doubt it is some a feeling or an experience of

13:38trustworthiness of somebody being dependable of confidence in them in our relationship and

13:46So stability is like the foundation of the house where security is like the camera. So it's things that make you feel

13:53Maybe a little bit

13:55Free of worry or doubt now, where do those come from?

13:59Well, we know that as safety stability and security increase that perceived spontaneity

14:05Decreases and so if we have those bliss is a really

14:09short

14:10To the point acronym for all of those things